2. Can we prove God exists?
3. How convincing are the reasons to believe in God?
4. Can we remove all doubt over God's reality?
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Is There Proof That God Exists
1. Can we know God exists?
2. Can we prove God exists?
3. How convincing are the reasons to believe in God?
4. Can we remove all doubt over God's reality?
2. Can we prove God exists?
3. How convincing are the reasons to believe in God?
4. Can we remove all doubt over God's reality?
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
When Will The Pain Stop?
When Will The Pain Stop?On that summer day back in 1992, I thought that my life just wasn’t worth living. After a terrible, rough relationship I was again alone, sitting in Tim Horton’s trying to enjoy another cup of coffee and figure out how I was going to start my life over again with a teenage daughter. Never did I even imagine that when I heard someone say, Suzie, is that you? that this would be the first day of my new life. Turning around I was looking at my first love Phil. I was speechless; I mean what do you say after nearly 20 years apart. We sat and talked and talked. We both had been through the wringer with our relationships and we both were ready to just give up. We had so much more in common now than what we had when we were just children. My mind was going in several different directions. What should I do? What should I say? Should I take another chance? Could this be the right time? I didn’t know or understand what was happening or why it was happening. My daughter and I had been so hurt, in the past, physically, emotionally, and sexually abused, how could I even think about talking to another man? I tried very politely to leave time and time again, but just seemed to be glued to the seat.
After a few meetings, I finally agreed to go back to Phil’s place and spend some alone time with him. My daughter had met him, seemed to like him, so that was all that mattered. Phil was just the person I needed, someone to be a friend, someone to talk to, someone who understood. He seemed to be the same sweet, kind, boy that I remembered back when we were just teenagers. Time went by and we soon became more than friends. On August 1, 1993 we moved into a new house in the country and began our lives over. In September, 1993, we both were introduced to God by a neighbor. As time went on we wanted to give out lives to the Lord, but we were living in sin. We decided that we could always get married and then do it, so on September 1 1994, I became Mrs. Philip Barker. This was the happiest day of my life. I had finally found someone who really cared and figured we would spend the rest of our lives together. Although we had our ups and downs the next 15 years were unforgettable. I was finally happy, I was finally at peace. I know that the peace and contentment was from God and He was the reason that we both were in the same place at the same time after so many years.
I couldn’t figure out why I was so blessed. I hadn’t done anything right up to then. I knew that this was just too good to continue. On August 31, 2007, my world come tumbling down. Phil, my life, my partner, my soul mate, went to be with the Lord. Why? I cannot fathom why. I cannot understand why. I cannot even believe why. But for some reason God decided that it was his time to go home to him. My life will never be the same. I yelled, I screamed, I cried out to God, but didn’t get the answers I wanted, and probably won’t until that glorious day when either Jesus comes back to earth, or I go up and join Phil in heaven.
Now I am working through the grieving process. It is not an easy walk. I have ups and downs. There are times that I want to end it all right now just so that I can see Phil again. In order to try to understand and get through all of this, I have done this study on the grieving process, both from the world’s eyes and from the Bible. It is my prayer that just maybe it will be of help to someone else who may be going through the same feelings of loss, hopelessness, and grief.
Sooner or later we will all experience some kind of grief.Grief is expressed physically, emotionally, socially, and spiritually.
Physical expressions of grief often include crying and sighing, headaches, loss of appetite, difficulty sleeping, weakness, fatigue, feelings of heaviness, aches, pains, and other stress-related ailments.Emotional expressions of grief include feelings of sadness and yearning. However, feelings of worry, anxiety, frustration, anger, or guilt are also normal.
Social expressions of grief may include feeling detached from others, isolating yourself from social contact, and behaving in ways that are not normal for you.
God knew grief, he experienced grief. That’s what we need now, someone who is familiar with suffering. Someone who’s passed through this door and come out the other side. And yet, according to Scripture, grief is not entirely negative. It gives us a heart of wisdom—it deposits a spiritual and emotional understanding that is not found on the outskirts of human existence, but at the very center of what it really means to be alive.
Genesis 50:1-11Joseph threw himself upon his father and wept over him and kissed him. Then Joseph directed the physicians in his service to embalm his father Israel. So the physicians embalmed him, taking a full forty days, for that was the time required for embalming. And the Egyptians mourned for him seventy days. When the days of mourning had passed, Joseph said to Pharaoh's court, "If I have found favor in your eyes, speak to Pharaoh for me. Tell him, ‘My father made me swear an oath and said, "I am about to die; bury me in the tomb I dug for myself in the land of Canaan." Now let me go up and bury my father; then I will return.' “Pharaoh said, "Go up and bury your father, as he made you swear to do." So Joseph went up to bury his father. All Pharaoh's officials accompanied him—the dignitaries of his court and all the dignitaries of Egypt- besides all the members of Joseph's household and his brothers and those belonging to his father's household. Only their children and their flocks and herds were left in Goshen. Chariots and horsemen also went up with him. It was a very large company. When they reached the threshing floor of Atad, near the Jordan, they lamented loudly and bitterly; and there Joseph observed a seven-day period of mourning for his father. When the Canaanites who lived there saw the mourning at the threshing floor of Atad, they said, "The Egyptians are holding a solemn ceremony of mourning." That is why that place near the Jordan is called Abel Mizraim.
When Jacob died at the age of 147, Joseph wept and mourned for months.
When someone close to us dies, we need a long period of time to work through our grief. Crying and sharing our feelings with others helps us recover and go on with life. Allow yourself and others the freedom to grieve over the loss of a loved one, and give yourself time enough to complete your grieving process.
2 Samuel 1:11-12Then David and all the men with him took hold of their clothes and tore them. They mourned and wept and fasted till evening for Saul and his son Jonathan, and for the army of the LORD and the house of Israel, because they had fallen by the sword.“They mourned and wept and fasted till evening.” David and his men were visibly shaken over Saul’s death. Their actions showed their genuine sorrow over the loss of their king, their friend Jonathan, and the other soldiers of Israel who died that day. They were not ashamed to grieve. Today, some people consider expressing emotions to be a sign of weakness. Those who wish to appear strong try to hide their feelings. But expressing our grief can help us deal with our intense sorrow when a loved one dies.
Job 1:20-22At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship and said: "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised."In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing.Job did not hide his overwhelming grief. He had not lost his faith in God; instead, his emotions showed that he was human and that he loved his family. God created our emotions, and it is not sinful or inappropriate to express them as Job did. If you have experienced a deep loss, a disappointment, or, a heartbreak, admit your feelings to yourself and others and grieve.
Psalm 55:22Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.To cast our burden upon God is to rest upon his providence and promise. And if we do so, he will carry us in the arms of his power, and will strengthen our spirits by his Spirit, so that they shall sustain the trial. He will never suffer the righteous to be moved; to be so shaken by any troubles, as to quit their duty to God, or their comfort in him. He will not suffer them to be utterly cast down. He, who bore the burden of our sorrows, desires us to leave to him to bear the burden of our cares, that, as he knows what is best for us, he may provide it accordingly. Why do not we trust Christ to govern the world which he redeemed?.
Isaiah 66:12-14For this is what the LORD says: "I will extend peace to her like a river,and the wealth of nations like a flooding stream; you will nurse and be carried on her arm and dandled on her knees. As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you; and you will be comforted over Jerusalem." When you see this, your heart will rejoice and you will flourish like grass; the hand of the LORD will be made known to his servants, but his fury will be shown to his foes.
The true happiness of all Christians is increased by every convert brought to Christ. The gospel brings with it, wherever it is received in its power, such a river of peace, as will carry us to the ocean of boundless and endless bliss. Divine comforts reach the inward man; the joy of the Lord will be the strength of the believer. Both God's mercy and justice shall be manifested, and for ever magnified.
Lamentations 3:31-33For men are not cast off by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men.
Having stated his distress and temptation, the prophet shows how he was raised above it. Bad as things are, it is owing to the mercy of God that they are not worse. We should observe what makes for us, as well as what is against us. God's compassions fail not; of this we have fresh instances every morning. Portions on earth are perishing things, but God is a portion for ever. It is our duty, and will be our comfort and satisfaction, to hope and quietly to wait for the salvation of the Lord.
Matthew 5:4Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Those that mourn are happy. That godly sorrow which works true repentance, watchfulness, a humble mind, and continual dependence for acceptance on the mercy of God in Christ Jesus, with constant seeking the Holy Spirit, to cleanse away the remaining evil, seems here to be intended. Heaven is the joy of our Lord; a mountain of joy, to which our way is through a vale of tears. Such mourners shall be comforted by their God
Matthew 11:25-30Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
It becomes children to be grateful. When we come to God as a Father, we must remember that he is Lord of heaven and earth, which obliges us to come to him with reverence as to the sovereign Lord of all; yet with confidence, as one able to defend us from evil, and to supply us with all good. Our blessed Lord added a remarkable declaration, that the Father had delivered into his hands all power, authority, and judgment. We are indebted to Christ for all the revelation we have of God the Father's will and love, ever since Adam sinned. Our Savior has invited all that labor and are heavy-laden, to come unto him. In some senses all men are so. Worldly men burden themselves with fruitless cares for wealth and honors; the gay and the sensual labor in pursuit of pleasures; the slave of Satan and his own lusts, is the merest drudge on earth. Those who labor to establish their own righteousness also labor in vain. The convinced sinner is heavy-laden with guilt and terror; and the tempted and afflicted believer has labors and burdens. Christ invites all to come to him for rest to their souls. He alone gives this invitation; men come to him, when, feeling their guilt and misery, and believing his love and power to help, they seek him in fervent prayer. Thus it is the duty and interest of weary and heavy-laden sinners, to come to Jesus Christ. This is the gospel call; Whoever will, let him come. All who thus come will receive rest as Christ's gift, and obtain peace and comfort in their hearts. But in coming to him they must take his yoke, and submit to his authority. They must learn of him all things, as to their comfort and obedience. He accepts the willing servant, however imperfect the services. Here we may find rest for our souls and here only. Nor need we fear his yoke. His commandments are holy, just, and good. It requires self-denial, and exposes to difficulties, but this is abundantly repaid, even in this world, by inward peace and joy. It is a yoke that is lined with love. So powerful are the assistances he gives us, so suitable the encouragements, and so strong the consolations to be found in the way of duty, that we may truly say, it is a yoke of pleasantness. The way of duty is the way of rest. The truths Christ teaches are such as we may venture our souls upon. Such is the Redeemer's mercy; and why should the laboring and burdened sinner seek for rest from any other quarter? Let us come to him daily, for deliverance from wrath and guilt, from sin and Satan, from all our cares, fears, and sorrows. But forced obedience, far from being easy and light, is a heavy burden. In vain do we draw near to Jesus with our lips, while the heart is far from him? Then come to Jesus to find rest for your souls.
John 14:1-4Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God [; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.Here are three words, upon any of which stress may be laid. Upon the word troubled. Be not cast down and disquieted. The word heart. Let your heart be kept with full trust in God. The word your. However others are overwhelmed with the sorrows of this present time, be not you so. Christ's disciples, more than others, should keep their minds quiet, when everything else is unquiet. Here is the remedy against this trouble of mind, “Believe.” By believing in Christ as the Mediator between God and man, we gain comfort. The happiness of heaven is spoken of as in a father's house. There are many mansions, for there are many sons to be brought to glory. Mansions are lasting dwellings. Christ will be the Finisher of that of which he is the Author or Beginner; if he has prepared the place for us, he will prepare us for it.
Matthew 14:13-1413When Jesus heard what had happened, he withdrew by boat privately to a solitary place. Hearing of this, the crowds followed him on foot from the towns. When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them and healed their sick.
Jesus sought solitude after the news of John’s death. Sometimes we may need to deal with our grief alone. Jesus did not swell on his grief, but returned to the ministry he came to do. Jesus performed some miracles as signs of his identity. He used other miracles to teach important truths. But here we read that he healed people because he “had compassion on them.” Jesus was, and is, a loving, caring, and feeling person. When you are suffering, remember that Jesus hurts with you. He has compassion on you.
1 Corinthians 15:52-57In a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable and the mortal with immortality. When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: "Death has been swallowed up in victory." "Where, O death is your victory? Where, O death is your sting?” The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks are to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
All the saints should not die, but all would be changed. In the gospel, many truths, before hidden in mystery, are made known. Death never shall appear in the regions to which our Lord will bear his risen saints. Therefore let us seek the full assurance of faith and hope, that in the midst of pain, and in the prospect of death, we may think calmly on the horrors of the tomb; assured that our bodies will there sleep, and in the mean time our souls will be present with the Redeemer. Sin gives death all its hurtful power. The sting of death is sin; but Christ, by dying, has taken out this sting; he has made atonement for sin, he has obtained remission of it. The strength of sin is the law. None can answer its demands, endure its curse, or do away his own transgressions. Hence terror and anguish. And hence death is terrible to the unbelieving and the impenitent. Death may seize a believer, but it cannot hold him in its power. How many springs of joy to the saints, and of thanksgiving to God, are opened by the death and resurrection, the sufferings and conquests of the Redeemer! In 1Co_15:58, we have an exhortation that believers should be steadfast, firm in the faith of that gospel which the apostle preached, and they received. Also, to be unmovable in their hope and expectation of this great privilege, of being raised incorruptible and immortal. And to abound in the work of the Lord, always doing the Lord's service, and obeying the Lord's commands. May Christ give us faith, and increase our faith, that we may not only be safe, but joyful and triumphant.
2 Corinthians 1:3-5Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.We are encouraged to come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need. The Lord is able to give peace to the troubled conscience, and to calm the raging passions of the soul. These blessings are given by him, as the Father of his redeemed family. It is our Savior who says; Let not your heart be troubled. All comforts come from God, and our sweetest comforts are in him. He speaks peace to souls by granting the free remission of sins; and he comforts them by the enlivening influences of the Holy Spirit, and by the rich mercies of his grace. He is able to bind up the broken-hearted, to heal the most painful wounds, and also to give hope and joy under the heaviest sorrows. The favors God bestows on us are not only to make us cheerful, but also that we may be useful to others. He sends comforts enough to support such as simply trust in and serve him. If we should be brought so low as to despair even of life, yet we may then trust God, who can bring back even from death. Their hope and trust were not in vain; nor shall any be ashamed who trust in the Lord. Past experiences encourage faith and hope, and lay us under obligation to trust in God for time to come. And it is our duty, not only to help one another with prayer, but in praise and thanksgiving, and thereby to make suitable returns for benefits received. Thus both trials and mercies will end in good to us and others.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.When God does not take away our troubles and temptations, yet, if he gives grace enough for us, we have no reason to complain. Grace signifies the good-will of God towards us, and that is enough to enlighten and enliven us, sufficient to strengthen and comfort in all afflictions and distresses. His strength is made perfect in our weakness. Thus his grace is manifested and magnified. When we are weak in ourselves, then we are strong in the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ; when we feel that we are weak in ourselves, and then we go to Christ, receive strength from him, and enjoy most the supplies of Divine strength and grace.
1 Thessalonians 4:13Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope.Here is comfort for the relations and friends of those who die in the Lord. Grief for the death of friends is lawful; we may weep for our own loss, though it may be their gain. Christianity does not forbid, and grace does not do away, our natural affections. Yet we must not be excessive in our sorrows; this is too much like those who have no hope of a better life. Death is an unknown thing, and we know little about the state after death; yet the doctrines of the resurrection and the second coming of Christ, are a remedy against the fear of death, and undue sorrow for the death of our Christian friends; and of these doctrines we have full assurance. It will be some happiness that all the saints shall meet, and remain together for ever; but the principal happiness of heaven is to be with the Lord, to see him, live with him, and enjoy him for ever. We should support one another in times of sorrow; not deaden one another's spirits, or weaken one another's hands. And this may be done by the many lessons to be learned from the resurrection of the dead, and the second coming of Christ. What! comfort a man by telling him he is going to appear before the judgment-seat of God! Who can feel comfort from those words? That man alone with whose spirit the Spirit of God bears witness that his sins are blotted out, and the thoughts of whose heart are purified by the Holy Spirit, so that he can love God, and worthily magnify his name. We are not in a safe state unless it is thus with us, or we are desiring to be so.
Revelation 7:17For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; he will lead them to springs of living water. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes."God will provide for his children’s needs in their eternal home where there will be no hunger, thirst, or pain, and he will wipe away all tears. When you are suffering or torn apart by sorrow, take comfort in this promise of complete protection and relief. All who have been faithful through the ages are singing before God’s throne. Their tribulations and sorrows are over: no more tears for sin, for all sins are forgiven, no more tears for suffering, for all suffering is over, no more tears for death, for all believers have been resurrected to die no more.
Revelation 21:4He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."All effects of former trouble shall be done away. They have often been in tears, by reason of sin, of affliction, of the calamities of the church; but no signs, no remembrance of former sorrows shall remain. Christ makes all things new. If we are willing and desirous that the gracious Redeemer should make all things new in order hearts and nature, he will make all things new in respect of our situation, till he has brought us to enjoy complete happiness.Each person’s timetable for healing is different. All loss is not the same loss. All grief is not the same grief. "How long would it take for the words, ‘Go on with my life,’ to drift through my consciousness?"Lots of time. Years, maybe. Society wants you to get over it and get on with your life, but God understands the process it will take to heal
Ecclesiastes 3 1-4There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,
God understands that even though we may have buried a loved one, we cannot bury our feelings. We need time to vent—and invent ways of coping with the loss in our lives.God records in his Word that people in biblical days were in no hurry to rush through the process of grief.
Neither should you
We cannot always understand the why.But we can lay hold of the Who. No matter what happens to us. No matter what the loss, God’s hand is still stretched out to us.The Bible does not promise the absence of grief – only the presence of God:
Psalm 31:9Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief.
David's troubles made him a man of sorrows. Herein he was a type of Christ, who was acquainted with grief. David acknowledged that his afflictions were merited by his own sins, but Christ suffered for ours. David's friend’s durst not give him any assistance. Let us not think it strange if thus deserted, but make sure of a Friend in heaven who will not fail. God will be sure to order and dispose all for the best, to all those who commit their spirits also into his hand. The time of life is in God's hands, to lengthen or shorten, make bitter or sweet, according to the counsel of his will. The way of man is not in himself, nor in our friend's hands, nor in our enemies' hands, but in God's.
Spiritual expressions of grief may include questioning the reason for your loss, the purpose of pain and suffering, the purpose of life, and the meaning of deathA partner. Loss of a partner usually also means the loss of a constant companion. Loss of a partner can also cause financial hardship, and sometimes a loss of standing or recognition within the community. It is especially important to maintain connection with friends and family when grieving the loss of a partner. It can take 2 or more years to go through a grieving process. The length of time spent grieving depends on your relationship with the lost person, object, or way of life. Even after 2 years, you may reexperience feelings of grief, especially over the loss of your loved one. Be prepared for this to happen during holidays, birthdays, and other special events, which typically revive feelings of grief.
Some grief experts consider grieving to be the slow recovery from a crisis of attachment: After losing something or someone to whom you are deeply attached, your sense of self and security is disrupted. As you adjust to a major loss, your goal is therefore to develop or strengthen connections with other people, places, or activities. These new parts of your life are not meant to replace what you have lost. Instead, they serve to support you as you begin to start a new phase of your life.
Managing your feelings of grief
Your feelings are unique. Each person handles emotions and feelings differently. Find the way to deal with your emotions that fits you. Although it is possible to delay or postpone grieving, it is not possible to avoid grieving altogether. Grief will subside over time. However, the grieving process does not happen in a step-by-step or orderly fashion. Give yourself all the time you need to identify, accept, and express your emotions.Support is important during the grieving process.
Feelings of grief vary depending on your personality, past experiences, the length of time that has passed since your loss, and the personal importance of that loss to you. After losing a loved one, the nature of your past relationship will also affect the way you grieve. When grieving, it is normal to feel sadness and a yearning for the person that you have lost. Feeling worried, anxiety, frustration, confusion, anger, or guilt is a normal process as well. During your grieving you may feel insecure and alone and want to isolate yourself from others. Your personality, coping style, and past experiences influence how you deal with your feelings.
The grieving process is the only way to work through your loss. Successfully dealing with your feelings helps you adjust to your loss, eventually stop yearning for what you have lost, and return to your normal daily activities. Grieving a major loss may help you grow emotionally. You may learn something new about yourself. For example, you may learn that you have more inner strength than you thought you had.
How can I manage my grief?
Identify your feelings Sometimes after a loss, it is hard to figure out exactly what you are feeling. You may have several feelings at the same time or conflicting feelings, such as sadness and relief. Writing is a good way to identify what you are feeling. Writing about what you feel can:Stimulate thinking and help you organize and analyze your thoughts.Deepen your understanding of a situation and may help you get in touch with feelings you had not recognized before.Prompt you to reflect on what is happening to you. This can help you put things into perspective and come to an understanding of how the changes affect your life.
When you are ready:
Set aside time to write.Choose a private, comfortable place to do your writing.Choose a method of writing. You may choose to write a letter to your loved one, for example, or a poem or story.Don't worry about how well you write. Write about everyday occurrences or conversations you have had.Write what you feel. Don't screen your thoughts; give yourself permission to write whatever comes to mind. Strong feelings (such as fear, anger, or frustration) may arise. Write about simple pleasures and joys you have experienced, too. If you have concerns about your strong feelings, talk with a trusted friend, member of the clergy, or mental health professional.
Accept your feelings
Talk with people about how you are feeling. Resist the urge to be quiet around or avoid people. If you are having trouble talking about your feelings with family members and friends, consider joining a bereavement support group.Express your emotions. You may feel that this is a sign of weakness, or that you won't be able to control yourself if you show your emotions. None of these is true. However, if you are afraid that you might harm yourself or someone else if you express an emotion, talk with someone you trust, your health professional, or a mental health professional about your concerns.Be patient and kind to yourself. Your feelings may be unpredictable and uncomfortable. Remind yourself that your uncomfortable feelings are expected and will fade as time goes on.
I pray that this study has helped you to understand the journey that you are on. It isn’t an easy one, but as long as we hold onto God’s hand, He will walk beside us, and when we think that we can no longer walk through the valley’s He will carry us through. I am still walking through the journey but as the days go by the tears are flowing less.
After a few meetings, I finally agreed to go back to Phil’s place and spend some alone time with him. My daughter had met him, seemed to like him, so that was all that mattered. Phil was just the person I needed, someone to be a friend, someone to talk to, someone who understood. He seemed to be the same sweet, kind, boy that I remembered back when we were just teenagers. Time went by and we soon became more than friends. On August 1, 1993 we moved into a new house in the country and began our lives over. In September, 1993, we both were introduced to God by a neighbor. As time went on we wanted to give out lives to the Lord, but we were living in sin. We decided that we could always get married and then do it, so on September 1 1994, I became Mrs. Philip Barker. This was the happiest day of my life. I had finally found someone who really cared and figured we would spend the rest of our lives together. Although we had our ups and downs the next 15 years were unforgettable. I was finally happy, I was finally at peace. I know that the peace and contentment was from God and He was the reason that we both were in the same place at the same time after so many years.
I couldn’t figure out why I was so blessed. I hadn’t done anything right up to then. I knew that this was just too good to continue. On August 31, 2007, my world come tumbling down. Phil, my life, my partner, my soul mate, went to be with the Lord. Why? I cannot fathom why. I cannot understand why. I cannot even believe why. But for some reason God decided that it was his time to go home to him. My life will never be the same. I yelled, I screamed, I cried out to God, but didn’t get the answers I wanted, and probably won’t until that glorious day when either Jesus comes back to earth, or I go up and join Phil in heaven.
Now I am working through the grieving process. It is not an easy walk. I have ups and downs. There are times that I want to end it all right now just so that I can see Phil again. In order to try to understand and get through all of this, I have done this study on the grieving process, both from the world’s eyes and from the Bible. It is my prayer that just maybe it will be of help to someone else who may be going through the same feelings of loss, hopelessness, and grief.
Sooner or later we will all experience some kind of grief.Grief is expressed physically, emotionally, socially, and spiritually.
Physical expressions of grief often include crying and sighing, headaches, loss of appetite, difficulty sleeping, weakness, fatigue, feelings of heaviness, aches, pains, and other stress-related ailments.Emotional expressions of grief include feelings of sadness and yearning. However, feelings of worry, anxiety, frustration, anger, or guilt are also normal.
Social expressions of grief may include feeling detached from others, isolating yourself from social contact, and behaving in ways that are not normal for you.
God knew grief, he experienced grief. That’s what we need now, someone who is familiar with suffering. Someone who’s passed through this door and come out the other side. And yet, according to Scripture, grief is not entirely negative. It gives us a heart of wisdom—it deposits a spiritual and emotional understanding that is not found on the outskirts of human existence, but at the very center of what it really means to be alive.
Genesis 50:1-11Joseph threw himself upon his father and wept over him and kissed him. Then Joseph directed the physicians in his service to embalm his father Israel. So the physicians embalmed him, taking a full forty days, for that was the time required for embalming. And the Egyptians mourned for him seventy days. When the days of mourning had passed, Joseph said to Pharaoh's court, "If I have found favor in your eyes, speak to Pharaoh for me. Tell him, ‘My father made me swear an oath and said, "I am about to die; bury me in the tomb I dug for myself in the land of Canaan." Now let me go up and bury my father; then I will return.' “Pharaoh said, "Go up and bury your father, as he made you swear to do." So Joseph went up to bury his father. All Pharaoh's officials accompanied him—the dignitaries of his court and all the dignitaries of Egypt- besides all the members of Joseph's household and his brothers and those belonging to his father's household. Only their children and their flocks and herds were left in Goshen. Chariots and horsemen also went up with him. It was a very large company. When they reached the threshing floor of Atad, near the Jordan, they lamented loudly and bitterly; and there Joseph observed a seven-day period of mourning for his father. When the Canaanites who lived there saw the mourning at the threshing floor of Atad, they said, "The Egyptians are holding a solemn ceremony of mourning." That is why that place near the Jordan is called Abel Mizraim.
When Jacob died at the age of 147, Joseph wept and mourned for months.
When someone close to us dies, we need a long period of time to work through our grief. Crying and sharing our feelings with others helps us recover and go on with life. Allow yourself and others the freedom to grieve over the loss of a loved one, and give yourself time enough to complete your grieving process.
2 Samuel 1:11-12Then David and all the men with him took hold of their clothes and tore them. They mourned and wept and fasted till evening for Saul and his son Jonathan, and for the army of the LORD and the house of Israel, because they had fallen by the sword.“They mourned and wept and fasted till evening.” David and his men were visibly shaken over Saul’s death. Their actions showed their genuine sorrow over the loss of their king, their friend Jonathan, and the other soldiers of Israel who died that day. They were not ashamed to grieve. Today, some people consider expressing emotions to be a sign of weakness. Those who wish to appear strong try to hide their feelings. But expressing our grief can help us deal with our intense sorrow when a loved one dies.
Job 1:20-22At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship and said: "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised."In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing.Job did not hide his overwhelming grief. He had not lost his faith in God; instead, his emotions showed that he was human and that he loved his family. God created our emotions, and it is not sinful or inappropriate to express them as Job did. If you have experienced a deep loss, a disappointment, or, a heartbreak, admit your feelings to yourself and others and grieve.
Psalm 55:22Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.To cast our burden upon God is to rest upon his providence and promise. And if we do so, he will carry us in the arms of his power, and will strengthen our spirits by his Spirit, so that they shall sustain the trial. He will never suffer the righteous to be moved; to be so shaken by any troubles, as to quit their duty to God, or their comfort in him. He will not suffer them to be utterly cast down. He, who bore the burden of our sorrows, desires us to leave to him to bear the burden of our cares, that, as he knows what is best for us, he may provide it accordingly. Why do not we trust Christ to govern the world which he redeemed?.
Isaiah 66:12-14For this is what the LORD says: "I will extend peace to her like a river,and the wealth of nations like a flooding stream; you will nurse and be carried on her arm and dandled on her knees. As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you; and you will be comforted over Jerusalem." When you see this, your heart will rejoice and you will flourish like grass; the hand of the LORD will be made known to his servants, but his fury will be shown to his foes.
The true happiness of all Christians is increased by every convert brought to Christ. The gospel brings with it, wherever it is received in its power, such a river of peace, as will carry us to the ocean of boundless and endless bliss. Divine comforts reach the inward man; the joy of the Lord will be the strength of the believer. Both God's mercy and justice shall be manifested, and for ever magnified.
Lamentations 3:31-33For men are not cast off by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men.
Having stated his distress and temptation, the prophet shows how he was raised above it. Bad as things are, it is owing to the mercy of God that they are not worse. We should observe what makes for us, as well as what is against us. God's compassions fail not; of this we have fresh instances every morning. Portions on earth are perishing things, but God is a portion for ever. It is our duty, and will be our comfort and satisfaction, to hope and quietly to wait for the salvation of the Lord.
Matthew 5:4Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Those that mourn are happy. That godly sorrow which works true repentance, watchfulness, a humble mind, and continual dependence for acceptance on the mercy of God in Christ Jesus, with constant seeking the Holy Spirit, to cleanse away the remaining evil, seems here to be intended. Heaven is the joy of our Lord; a mountain of joy, to which our way is through a vale of tears. Such mourners shall be comforted by their God
Matthew 11:25-30Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
It becomes children to be grateful. When we come to God as a Father, we must remember that he is Lord of heaven and earth, which obliges us to come to him with reverence as to the sovereign Lord of all; yet with confidence, as one able to defend us from evil, and to supply us with all good. Our blessed Lord added a remarkable declaration, that the Father had delivered into his hands all power, authority, and judgment. We are indebted to Christ for all the revelation we have of God the Father's will and love, ever since Adam sinned. Our Savior has invited all that labor and are heavy-laden, to come unto him. In some senses all men are so. Worldly men burden themselves with fruitless cares for wealth and honors; the gay and the sensual labor in pursuit of pleasures; the slave of Satan and his own lusts, is the merest drudge on earth. Those who labor to establish their own righteousness also labor in vain. The convinced sinner is heavy-laden with guilt and terror; and the tempted and afflicted believer has labors and burdens. Christ invites all to come to him for rest to their souls. He alone gives this invitation; men come to him, when, feeling their guilt and misery, and believing his love and power to help, they seek him in fervent prayer. Thus it is the duty and interest of weary and heavy-laden sinners, to come to Jesus Christ. This is the gospel call; Whoever will, let him come. All who thus come will receive rest as Christ's gift, and obtain peace and comfort in their hearts. But in coming to him they must take his yoke, and submit to his authority. They must learn of him all things, as to their comfort and obedience. He accepts the willing servant, however imperfect the services. Here we may find rest for our souls and here only. Nor need we fear his yoke. His commandments are holy, just, and good. It requires self-denial, and exposes to difficulties, but this is abundantly repaid, even in this world, by inward peace and joy. It is a yoke that is lined with love. So powerful are the assistances he gives us, so suitable the encouragements, and so strong the consolations to be found in the way of duty, that we may truly say, it is a yoke of pleasantness. The way of duty is the way of rest. The truths Christ teaches are such as we may venture our souls upon. Such is the Redeemer's mercy; and why should the laboring and burdened sinner seek for rest from any other quarter? Let us come to him daily, for deliverance from wrath and guilt, from sin and Satan, from all our cares, fears, and sorrows. But forced obedience, far from being easy and light, is a heavy burden. In vain do we draw near to Jesus with our lips, while the heart is far from him? Then come to Jesus to find rest for your souls.
John 14:1-4Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God [; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.Here are three words, upon any of which stress may be laid. Upon the word troubled. Be not cast down and disquieted. The word heart. Let your heart be kept with full trust in God. The word your. However others are overwhelmed with the sorrows of this present time, be not you so. Christ's disciples, more than others, should keep their minds quiet, when everything else is unquiet. Here is the remedy against this trouble of mind, “Believe.” By believing in Christ as the Mediator between God and man, we gain comfort. The happiness of heaven is spoken of as in a father's house. There are many mansions, for there are many sons to be brought to glory. Mansions are lasting dwellings. Christ will be the Finisher of that of which he is the Author or Beginner; if he has prepared the place for us, he will prepare us for it.
Matthew 14:13-1413When Jesus heard what had happened, he withdrew by boat privately to a solitary place. Hearing of this, the crowds followed him on foot from the towns. When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them and healed their sick.
Jesus sought solitude after the news of John’s death. Sometimes we may need to deal with our grief alone. Jesus did not swell on his grief, but returned to the ministry he came to do. Jesus performed some miracles as signs of his identity. He used other miracles to teach important truths. But here we read that he healed people because he “had compassion on them.” Jesus was, and is, a loving, caring, and feeling person. When you are suffering, remember that Jesus hurts with you. He has compassion on you.
1 Corinthians 15:52-57In a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable and the mortal with immortality. When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: "Death has been swallowed up in victory." "Where, O death is your victory? Where, O death is your sting?” The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks are to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
All the saints should not die, but all would be changed. In the gospel, many truths, before hidden in mystery, are made known. Death never shall appear in the regions to which our Lord will bear his risen saints. Therefore let us seek the full assurance of faith and hope, that in the midst of pain, and in the prospect of death, we may think calmly on the horrors of the tomb; assured that our bodies will there sleep, and in the mean time our souls will be present with the Redeemer. Sin gives death all its hurtful power. The sting of death is sin; but Christ, by dying, has taken out this sting; he has made atonement for sin, he has obtained remission of it. The strength of sin is the law. None can answer its demands, endure its curse, or do away his own transgressions. Hence terror and anguish. And hence death is terrible to the unbelieving and the impenitent. Death may seize a believer, but it cannot hold him in its power. How many springs of joy to the saints, and of thanksgiving to God, are opened by the death and resurrection, the sufferings and conquests of the Redeemer! In 1Co_15:58, we have an exhortation that believers should be steadfast, firm in the faith of that gospel which the apostle preached, and they received. Also, to be unmovable in their hope and expectation of this great privilege, of being raised incorruptible and immortal. And to abound in the work of the Lord, always doing the Lord's service, and obeying the Lord's commands. May Christ give us faith, and increase our faith, that we may not only be safe, but joyful and triumphant.
2 Corinthians 1:3-5Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.We are encouraged to come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need. The Lord is able to give peace to the troubled conscience, and to calm the raging passions of the soul. These blessings are given by him, as the Father of his redeemed family. It is our Savior who says; Let not your heart be troubled. All comforts come from God, and our sweetest comforts are in him. He speaks peace to souls by granting the free remission of sins; and he comforts them by the enlivening influences of the Holy Spirit, and by the rich mercies of his grace. He is able to bind up the broken-hearted, to heal the most painful wounds, and also to give hope and joy under the heaviest sorrows. The favors God bestows on us are not only to make us cheerful, but also that we may be useful to others. He sends comforts enough to support such as simply trust in and serve him. If we should be brought so low as to despair even of life, yet we may then trust God, who can bring back even from death. Their hope and trust were not in vain; nor shall any be ashamed who trust in the Lord. Past experiences encourage faith and hope, and lay us under obligation to trust in God for time to come. And it is our duty, not only to help one another with prayer, but in praise and thanksgiving, and thereby to make suitable returns for benefits received. Thus both trials and mercies will end in good to us and others.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.When God does not take away our troubles and temptations, yet, if he gives grace enough for us, we have no reason to complain. Grace signifies the good-will of God towards us, and that is enough to enlighten and enliven us, sufficient to strengthen and comfort in all afflictions and distresses. His strength is made perfect in our weakness. Thus his grace is manifested and magnified. When we are weak in ourselves, then we are strong in the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ; when we feel that we are weak in ourselves, and then we go to Christ, receive strength from him, and enjoy most the supplies of Divine strength and grace.
1 Thessalonians 4:13Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope.Here is comfort for the relations and friends of those who die in the Lord. Grief for the death of friends is lawful; we may weep for our own loss, though it may be their gain. Christianity does not forbid, and grace does not do away, our natural affections. Yet we must not be excessive in our sorrows; this is too much like those who have no hope of a better life. Death is an unknown thing, and we know little about the state after death; yet the doctrines of the resurrection and the second coming of Christ, are a remedy against the fear of death, and undue sorrow for the death of our Christian friends; and of these doctrines we have full assurance. It will be some happiness that all the saints shall meet, and remain together for ever; but the principal happiness of heaven is to be with the Lord, to see him, live with him, and enjoy him for ever. We should support one another in times of sorrow; not deaden one another's spirits, or weaken one another's hands. And this may be done by the many lessons to be learned from the resurrection of the dead, and the second coming of Christ. What! comfort a man by telling him he is going to appear before the judgment-seat of God! Who can feel comfort from those words? That man alone with whose spirit the Spirit of God bears witness that his sins are blotted out, and the thoughts of whose heart are purified by the Holy Spirit, so that he can love God, and worthily magnify his name. We are not in a safe state unless it is thus with us, or we are desiring to be so.
Revelation 7:17For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; he will lead them to springs of living water. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes."God will provide for his children’s needs in their eternal home where there will be no hunger, thirst, or pain, and he will wipe away all tears. When you are suffering or torn apart by sorrow, take comfort in this promise of complete protection and relief. All who have been faithful through the ages are singing before God’s throne. Their tribulations and sorrows are over: no more tears for sin, for all sins are forgiven, no more tears for suffering, for all suffering is over, no more tears for death, for all believers have been resurrected to die no more.
Revelation 21:4He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."All effects of former trouble shall be done away. They have often been in tears, by reason of sin, of affliction, of the calamities of the church; but no signs, no remembrance of former sorrows shall remain. Christ makes all things new. If we are willing and desirous that the gracious Redeemer should make all things new in order hearts and nature, he will make all things new in respect of our situation, till he has brought us to enjoy complete happiness.Each person’s timetable for healing is different. All loss is not the same loss. All grief is not the same grief. "How long would it take for the words, ‘Go on with my life,’ to drift through my consciousness?"Lots of time. Years, maybe. Society wants you to get over it and get on with your life, but God understands the process it will take to heal
Ecclesiastes 3 1-4There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,
God understands that even though we may have buried a loved one, we cannot bury our feelings. We need time to vent—and invent ways of coping with the loss in our lives.God records in his Word that people in biblical days were in no hurry to rush through the process of grief.
Neither should you
We cannot always understand the why.But we can lay hold of the Who. No matter what happens to us. No matter what the loss, God’s hand is still stretched out to us.The Bible does not promise the absence of grief – only the presence of God:
Psalm 31:9Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief.
David's troubles made him a man of sorrows. Herein he was a type of Christ, who was acquainted with grief. David acknowledged that his afflictions were merited by his own sins, but Christ suffered for ours. David's friend’s durst not give him any assistance. Let us not think it strange if thus deserted, but make sure of a Friend in heaven who will not fail. God will be sure to order and dispose all for the best, to all those who commit their spirits also into his hand. The time of life is in God's hands, to lengthen or shorten, make bitter or sweet, according to the counsel of his will. The way of man is not in himself, nor in our friend's hands, nor in our enemies' hands, but in God's.
Spiritual expressions of grief may include questioning the reason for your loss, the purpose of pain and suffering, the purpose of life, and the meaning of deathA partner. Loss of a partner usually also means the loss of a constant companion. Loss of a partner can also cause financial hardship, and sometimes a loss of standing or recognition within the community. It is especially important to maintain connection with friends and family when grieving the loss of a partner. It can take 2 or more years to go through a grieving process. The length of time spent grieving depends on your relationship with the lost person, object, or way of life. Even after 2 years, you may reexperience feelings of grief, especially over the loss of your loved one. Be prepared for this to happen during holidays, birthdays, and other special events, which typically revive feelings of grief.
Some grief experts consider grieving to be the slow recovery from a crisis of attachment: After losing something or someone to whom you are deeply attached, your sense of self and security is disrupted. As you adjust to a major loss, your goal is therefore to develop or strengthen connections with other people, places, or activities. These new parts of your life are not meant to replace what you have lost. Instead, they serve to support you as you begin to start a new phase of your life.
Managing your feelings of grief
Your feelings are unique. Each person handles emotions and feelings differently. Find the way to deal with your emotions that fits you. Although it is possible to delay or postpone grieving, it is not possible to avoid grieving altogether. Grief will subside over time. However, the grieving process does not happen in a step-by-step or orderly fashion. Give yourself all the time you need to identify, accept, and express your emotions.Support is important during the grieving process.
Feelings of grief vary depending on your personality, past experiences, the length of time that has passed since your loss, and the personal importance of that loss to you. After losing a loved one, the nature of your past relationship will also affect the way you grieve. When grieving, it is normal to feel sadness and a yearning for the person that you have lost. Feeling worried, anxiety, frustration, confusion, anger, or guilt is a normal process as well. During your grieving you may feel insecure and alone and want to isolate yourself from others. Your personality, coping style, and past experiences influence how you deal with your feelings.
The grieving process is the only way to work through your loss. Successfully dealing with your feelings helps you adjust to your loss, eventually stop yearning for what you have lost, and return to your normal daily activities. Grieving a major loss may help you grow emotionally. You may learn something new about yourself. For example, you may learn that you have more inner strength than you thought you had.
How can I manage my grief?
Identify your feelings Sometimes after a loss, it is hard to figure out exactly what you are feeling. You may have several feelings at the same time or conflicting feelings, such as sadness and relief. Writing is a good way to identify what you are feeling. Writing about what you feel can:Stimulate thinking and help you organize and analyze your thoughts.Deepen your understanding of a situation and may help you get in touch with feelings you had not recognized before.Prompt you to reflect on what is happening to you. This can help you put things into perspective and come to an understanding of how the changes affect your life.
When you are ready:
Set aside time to write.Choose a private, comfortable place to do your writing.Choose a method of writing. You may choose to write a letter to your loved one, for example, or a poem or story.Don't worry about how well you write. Write about everyday occurrences or conversations you have had.Write what you feel. Don't screen your thoughts; give yourself permission to write whatever comes to mind. Strong feelings (such as fear, anger, or frustration) may arise. Write about simple pleasures and joys you have experienced, too. If you have concerns about your strong feelings, talk with a trusted friend, member of the clergy, or mental health professional.
Accept your feelings
Talk with people about how you are feeling. Resist the urge to be quiet around or avoid people. If you are having trouble talking about your feelings with family members and friends, consider joining a bereavement support group.Express your emotions. You may feel that this is a sign of weakness, or that you won't be able to control yourself if you show your emotions. None of these is true. However, if you are afraid that you might harm yourself or someone else if you express an emotion, talk with someone you trust, your health professional, or a mental health professional about your concerns.Be patient and kind to yourself. Your feelings may be unpredictable and uncomfortable. Remind yourself that your uncomfortable feelings are expected and will fade as time goes on.
I pray that this study has helped you to understand the journey that you are on. It isn’t an easy one, but as long as we hold onto God’s hand, He will walk beside us, and when we think that we can no longer walk through the valley’s He will carry us through. I am still walking through the journey but as the days go by the tears are flowing less.
Rollercoaster Ride I am on
The last few days have been an up and down roller coaster ride. I really cannot understand all the emotions that I am having. I get up in the morning and it hits me. All day long it is a constant battle going on in my mind. One part is saying that it is a terrible day while the other side is saying rejoice be glad, for this is the day that the Lord has made. Although I want so much for the rejoicing side to win out, it seems that it is the weaker side. I find myself sitting with tears flowing too many times throughout the day. Why? I don’t know. Yes I miss my hubby, but as of my last blog, I thought that I could handle him not being with me any longer. I sit and talk to him and feel good, then the tears start again. I sit and read the Bible, the tears start again. I sit and watch TV, the tears start again. I am tired of the tears. Somewhere in the Bible it says that God collects all of our tears in a bottle, well if I keep this up He is going to need a lot of bottles. Even sitting here typing this out, the tears are trying to pour out again. I just don’t understand this. Why can’t I be happy, why can’t I just go on in peace. Everyone says, give it to the Lord, listen to what He is saying. I try, I really try, but I just don’t hear anything like some others do. Maybe I am just suppose to be miserable, I don’t know. My past is one that I would rather forget, but one that I have dealt with and worked through with God and others. As far as I am concerned now it is just that, the past, although there are times when the devil wants to push it up again, I am not allowing it. Every time that I start to feel “good” about something, it goes wrong, or something else comes up to steal away the “good” feelings. I know that I have prayed for the Lord to take me to be with Phil, I have prayed for Him to help me to hear Him. I have begged, but still everyday I don’t feel any different. Yes I am excellent at cover-ups. To anyone who sees me, knows me, I am all together, I am strong, I am happy, but that is all a mask that I have become accustomed to wearing. It is like the song that I used to listen to, The Tears of A Clown. The outside is all smiles and laughter, but the inside is fighting a constant battle. One that I just don’t know how to win. How am I suppose to go out and spread the Good News to others when I am torn apart inside? How can I say that God is there for everyone, when I don’t really know why I am falling apart. I know that God is with me, and that He will see me through what ever this time in my life is for, but how am I suppose to be strong for others when I can barely hold on myself? I get so scared at times, not knowing what to do or say to anyone. I just stay be myself most of the time, that way I won’t say or do anything wrong. If I hurt myself then it is only me that is hurt, no one else. I want so much to help others when they are hurting, but when my emotions are on a roller coaster how can I?
I don’t want this to become a feel sorry for me blog, that is why I haven’t wrote for awhile. I just don’t want to be a bother to anyone. I don’t know if I will continue with this or not. It just isn’t in me to continually write about myself. I am here to try to help others, not to complain and whine about me. I just don’t think that writing my thoughts and feelings out is helping anyone. If anything it is probably just making who ever reads this worse. This is something that I am going to have to work on and really give some thought to.Anyhow thanks for reading my soap opera and for the support that you have given.
I don’t want this to become a feel sorry for me blog, that is why I haven’t wrote for awhile. I just don’t want to be a bother to anyone. I don’t know if I will continue with this or not. It just isn’t in me to continually write about myself. I am here to try to help others, not to complain and whine about me. I just don’t think that writing my thoughts and feelings out is helping anyone. If anything it is probably just making who ever reads this worse. This is something that I am going to have to work on and really give some thought to.Anyhow thanks for reading my soap opera and for the support that you have given.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Trusting Jesus, that is all.
As I woke up this morning a feeling of emptiness flooded me. I slowly came out of my drowsiness and wiping the sleep from my eyes I asked God why He had woke me up again. I didn’t want to wake up alone any more. I lied there and thought that if I just didn’t get up the day would go away, but I couldn’t. Something, someone just kept telling me get out of bed. With no peace in sight I rose from the bed, took my shower, and got dressed. Ok now I was up, maybe that is all there is to do today. Nope, today is Sunday August 31, 2008, Church day. I kept telling myself no don’t go; there is nothing there for you. Stay home, have your own pity party, you don’t need anyone else around. Then the all too familiar knock on the door. Yes my sister was here ready for church. Didn’t she know what day it was? Didn’t she know that I wanted to be alone today of all days? I couldn’t tell her that, had to be strong in front of her, she wouldn’t understand. No one could understand the pain and hurt that I was feeling. Oh well guess I will just go to church and get it done with. I was doing great, no tears yet. Then one lady came up to me and asked how I was doing. Although I said ok, she saw right through me. Lol The tears started and I thought that they wouldn’t stop. She prayed for me, and by this time the pastor was there, not knowing what was going on. I could only say that I was sorry and that I would be ok. After hearing what day it was, he just sat down and held my hand while I cried. Then another friend came in, he looks so much like Phil, they could have been brothers. He came over, found out what was wrong asked it he could give me a hug. I said ok and just clung to him, don’t know why, I couldn’t let go. Lol. His wife came over and joined in the hugging. I managed to pull myself together, sat through the service and left. I dropped Pat off at home, I just needed some alone time for sure now. I did what God wanted me too, made a fool of myself in church, and now it is my time. I wanted to be alone with Phil. I drove to our favorite spot, buying coffees on the way. I bought one for him and one for me. As I took a drink, I poured some of Phil’s on the ground until we had both finished. Then I sat there and talked to Phil and to God. The same old questions kept coming up. Why Why Why.
As I sat there and listened to the radio a lady came on with a testimony about how she had lost her husband. Without warning she was a young lady with two young children alone, but still holding on to God’s promise.
Psalm 139:15-16
15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, 16 your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
Phil going to heaven was God’s plan; it was already planned long before I was even in the picture. Holding on to this truth the questions of how why and where were running through my head. Although it has been a year, and it seems like it was only yesterday, that I was suddenly left alone, the lady on the radio sounded so much like me. What she was talking about was exactly how I was feeling. All the questions that she asked I had asked time and time again. Then it hit me, this was God telling me to let go, and let Him take care of me. Phil was there with me, and all of a sudden I got such a strong feeling of peace. To tell the truth it scared me. How could I feel such peace, such calm, such soothing relief? Only through the grace of our Lord, only through His love could this be happening. I sat there for what seemed like forever, just relaxing, thanking God, talking to Phil, and feeling so blessed for the first time in a year. I am not sure if it was God or Phil who gave me the next Bible passage.
Proverbs 3:5-6
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 6 in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
That is what I had to do. I had to give it all to God. I had to let him show me the way, teach me, mold me, and transform me into His child. I may not ever understand why God decided to take Phil home so early, but He had his reasons and it is not up to me to question them. Yes I miss him dearly, I still wish that he was here with me. I know that I am still going to have my ups and downs and that I will always miss Phil and will always want him by my side. I am more at peace now, more relaxed and realize that Phil is here with me, he is right here, he is just around the corner so I don't see him, but he is here. All I have to do is to keep travelling along this road and one day I will turn the corner as well and be right beside him again.
Thank you Jesus for not giving up on me, for not closing the doors to Your word, even though I didn't want to listen to anyone. Thank you Lord for giving me such a precious time with You and Phil today as we sat beside the river and talked. Help to continue to see the road that is to be travelled and to find my way around the corner to You and Phil. Amen and Amen
As I was getting ready to leave, the station just confirmed the message that I had already received and played this song.
TRUSTING JESUS
Edgar Page Stites
1836-1921
Simply trusting every day,
Trusting through a stormy way;
Even when my faith is small,
Trusting Jesus, that is all.
Trusting as the moments fly,
Trusting as the days go by;
Trusting Him whate’er befall,
Trusting Jesus, that is all.
Brightly does His Spirit shine
Into this poor heart of mine;
While He leads I cannot fall;
Trusting Jesus, that is all.
Trusting as the moments fly,
Trusting as the days go by;
Trusting Him whate’er befall,
Trusting Jesus, that is all.
Singing if my way is clear,
Praying if the path be drear;
If in danger for Him call;
Trusting Jesus, that is all.
Trusting as the moments fly,
Trusting as the days go by;
Trusting Him whate’er befall,
Trusting Jesus, that is all.
Trusting Him while life shall last,
Trusting Him till earth be past;
Till within the jasper wall,
Trusting Jesus, that is all.
Trusting as the moments fly,
Trusting as the days go by;
Trusting Him whate’er befall,
Trusting Jesus, that is all.
The lyrics first appeared as a poem in a newspaper. They were given to Ira Sankey’s partner Dwight Moody, who asked Sankey to write music for them.
As I sat there and listened to the radio a lady came on with a testimony about how she had lost her husband. Without warning she was a young lady with two young children alone, but still holding on to God’s promise.
Psalm 139:15-16
15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, 16 your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
Phil going to heaven was God’s plan; it was already planned long before I was even in the picture. Holding on to this truth the questions of how why and where were running through my head. Although it has been a year, and it seems like it was only yesterday, that I was suddenly left alone, the lady on the radio sounded so much like me. What she was talking about was exactly how I was feeling. All the questions that she asked I had asked time and time again. Then it hit me, this was God telling me to let go, and let Him take care of me. Phil was there with me, and all of a sudden I got such a strong feeling of peace. To tell the truth it scared me. How could I feel such peace, such calm, such soothing relief? Only through the grace of our Lord, only through His love could this be happening. I sat there for what seemed like forever, just relaxing, thanking God, talking to Phil, and feeling so blessed for the first time in a year. I am not sure if it was God or Phil who gave me the next Bible passage.
Proverbs 3:5-6
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 6 in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
That is what I had to do. I had to give it all to God. I had to let him show me the way, teach me, mold me, and transform me into His child. I may not ever understand why God decided to take Phil home so early, but He had his reasons and it is not up to me to question them. Yes I miss him dearly, I still wish that he was here with me. I know that I am still going to have my ups and downs and that I will always miss Phil and will always want him by my side. I am more at peace now, more relaxed and realize that Phil is here with me, he is right here, he is just around the corner so I don't see him, but he is here. All I have to do is to keep travelling along this road and one day I will turn the corner as well and be right beside him again.
Thank you Jesus for not giving up on me, for not closing the doors to Your word, even though I didn't want to listen to anyone. Thank you Lord for giving me such a precious time with You and Phil today as we sat beside the river and talked. Help to continue to see the road that is to be travelled and to find my way around the corner to You and Phil. Amen and Amen
As I was getting ready to leave, the station just confirmed the message that I had already received and played this song.
TRUSTING JESUS
Edgar Page Stites
1836-1921
Simply trusting every day,
Trusting through a stormy way;
Even when my faith is small,
Trusting Jesus, that is all.
Trusting as the moments fly,
Trusting as the days go by;
Trusting Him whate’er befall,
Trusting Jesus, that is all.
Brightly does His Spirit shine
Into this poor heart of mine;
While He leads I cannot fall;
Trusting Jesus, that is all.
Trusting as the moments fly,
Trusting as the days go by;
Trusting Him whate’er befall,
Trusting Jesus, that is all.
Singing if my way is clear,
Praying if the path be drear;
If in danger for Him call;
Trusting Jesus, that is all.
Trusting as the moments fly,
Trusting as the days go by;
Trusting Him whate’er befall,
Trusting Jesus, that is all.
Trusting Him while life shall last,
Trusting Him till earth be past;
Till within the jasper wall,
Trusting Jesus, that is all.
Trusting as the moments fly,
Trusting as the days go by;
Trusting Him whate’er befall,
Trusting Jesus, that is all.
The lyrics first appeared as a poem in a newspaper. They were given to Ira Sankey’s partner Dwight Moody, who asked Sankey to write music for them.
Just can't write
Sorry that I have not wrote for awhile, I just can't seem to get myself up to do it. As the end of this month comes closer, I am going down further. Don't know if I will write more or not, but right now I can't. I miss Phil so much I just want to go to him now.
Moving day
Well the day had finally arrived. I was saying goodbye to the last bit of my life with Phil. I was happy and sad all at the same time. I knew that I couldn't stay where I was, but this was my life with the one that I loved and will always love. All the memories, both good and bad were right here. In the house, in the barn, around the yard. We had spent the last twelve years here. The place looked so empty now though. No more scrap lying around, no more cars in various stages of repair or dismantle lying around. It was so empty, just like my heart. How I was going to live in an apartment now was beyond my imagination. With teary eyes and a big sigh, I loaded up the last bit of memories into the car and drove off. I just had to stop at the restaurant to say goodbye. The tears were right there, but I just couldn't let them come yet. I had to be strong. I couldn't let anyone see how broken I was. God knew, but I wish that He didn't. How could I be one of His children when I was in so much pain. Weren't we suppose to happy if we were His? I wanted so much to grow in Him, but the thoughts of why why why kept running through my mind. I had myself convinced that God had taken my Phil away because I wasn't suppose to be happy. Since I had messed up so much with my own children and had put them through hell, now He was putting me through it as well. This was my punishment for not being strong enough to protect those under my authority. I kept telling myself that God took Phil to punish me, to show me that I wasn't suppose to be happy. I finally just said ok, I won't be happy, I will just make this move, stay by myself and keep praying for Him to take me away from this life.
I finally made it into the apartment arranged all the furniture and unpacked all of my stuff. I kept myself busy trying to keep everything spick and span. If I just did enough to make God forgive me a little bit, then maybe, just maybe, He would let me be with my Phil. The last year here in this apartment has been a daily struggle. One day I would be doing ok, then pow, feelings of lonliness would creep in again. Those old feelings of worthlessness, of being punished again. Every day is a fight, every day I sit and fight with my emotions. The questions of why did this all happen, when will it all end, when will I really feel that peace and love that everyone talks about from God? Everyone keeps saying, He is here, I feel Him, I see Him, so why can't I? Is he really punishing me for my past? I s that why I am struggling every day just to hold onto the hem of His Garment? I want to know Him and have the relationship that everyone else talks about. I know that He is here with me, even if I don't really feel Him. He has to be, or I just wouldn't of been able to live through this last year. It has only been through Him that I have felt some joy, some freedom. I know that, so why do I keep questioning, why do I keep struggling. I won't give up, even though I feel like it most of the time, I won't. Everyon used to say that I was stubborn, that when I really wanted something I would work until I got it, so this is no different. I want the close relationship with God, even if He doesn't so I won't give in.
Revelation 21:4
He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."
I finally made it into the apartment arranged all the furniture and unpacked all of my stuff. I kept myself busy trying to keep everything spick and span. If I just did enough to make God forgive me a little bit, then maybe, just maybe, He would let me be with my Phil. The last year here in this apartment has been a daily struggle. One day I would be doing ok, then pow, feelings of lonliness would creep in again. Those old feelings of worthlessness, of being punished again. Every day is a fight, every day I sit and fight with my emotions. The questions of why did this all happen, when will it all end, when will I really feel that peace and love that everyone talks about from God? Everyone keeps saying, He is here, I feel Him, I see Him, so why can't I? Is he really punishing me for my past? I s that why I am struggling every day just to hold onto the hem of His Garment? I want to know Him and have the relationship that everyone else talks about. I know that He is here with me, even if I don't really feel Him. He has to be, or I just wouldn't of been able to live through this last year. It has only been through Him that I have felt some joy, some freedom. I know that, so why do I keep questioning, why do I keep struggling. I won't give up, even though I feel like it most of the time, I won't. Everyon used to say that I was stubborn, that when I really wanted something I would work until I got it, so this is no different. I want the close relationship with God, even if He doesn't so I won't give in.
Revelation 21:4
He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."
Cleaning Out
Although it had already been two weeks since my love went to be with the Lord, I was still walking around in a daze. Work had been so good to me, telling me not to worry about coming back until after the New Year. Wow, what other boss would give you that much time off. Now came the task of trying to decide where I was going to live, what I was going to do with my life. I really didn't want to go on, I prayed and prayed for God to take me so that I could be with my Phil. The hardest things that I had to do was to take apart Phil's train layout. He had the back room full of trains. It was his winter hobby when he couldn't go outside and tinker with cars. I remembered that he had said that there were some really expensive trains back there, but I didn't know what was a toy and what was a collector item. The whole room had to be sorted out, packed up and shipped out somewhere. How was I ever going to do that? I would go back and do a bit, the tears would start flowing, and then I would stop. Finally I just couldn't do anymore. I had taken the tables apart, sorted out a few trains, that I wanted to keep, so I just called a friend and asked him if he wanted it all. He came, packed it all up, let me know if something was worth anything, and took it all away to be reconstructed at some point in his home. Don't know if he has done anything with it all yet or not.
It was nearly the end of September now, and I had the task of trying to find somewhere to live before the winter months set in. I had put my name into geared to income housing, but I also new that the waiting list was long. I really didn't expect to get anything from them untill the next year. But to my surprise, they had put me on an emergency list, and I was offered an apartment for December. I was so surprised. Found out later that I was offered this since I had once a long long time ago lived with Housing and also cuz I knew so many people in the building that I applied for including my sister and the manager of the building. Now I had less than one month to finishe getting all of Phil's stuff sorted out, packing what I wanted and then move. Now a new problem, how was I going to clean everything up in less than a month? I still don't know how I did it, but bags of clothes went to the salvation army, trucks full of junk went to the dump, and trucks full of scrap went into the scrap yard. Now all I had left was the things that I wanted to take with me. The problem now was how was I going to get it all from the house to the apartment.
About four years earlier, an uncle of ours had passed away and unknown to us, had some money saved up. This was divided between the family so I did have a bit in savings. So while in our favorite restaraunt one morning having coffee, we were talking about my move. Someone said, well what do you have that really means something to you? Being that most of our furniture was second hand there really wasn't much. Then it was said that a furniture store was having a sale, why didn't I take some of the money that I had and go and buy new and have it delivered to the apartment? What a great idea. New start in life with new furniture. So of course my sister and I went on a shopping spree. I think it was just the thing that I needed. To go out and enjoy myself looking at all the new furniture, trying to decide what I wanted, and then buying it. I felt such a load being lifted off of my shoulders. I can say that for that day, I was laughing and enjoying myself. But that was short lived. I still had to pack up what I needed to take, get it all moved, and then say goodbye to the wonderful memories of living in the country with Phil. That was hard, leaving the area where we were the happiest together. Phil loved the country living, the wide open spaces, the animals that were around. He loved to sit out at night and just watch the stars, and talk. I miss that so much.
Next the big move...........
It was nearly the end of September now, and I had the task of trying to find somewhere to live before the winter months set in. I had put my name into geared to income housing, but I also new that the waiting list was long. I really didn't expect to get anything from them untill the next year. But to my surprise, they had put me on an emergency list, and I was offered an apartment for December. I was so surprised. Found out later that I was offered this since I had once a long long time ago lived with Housing and also cuz I knew so many people in the building that I applied for including my sister and the manager of the building. Now I had less than one month to finishe getting all of Phil's stuff sorted out, packing what I wanted and then move. Now a new problem, how was I going to clean everything up in less than a month? I still don't know how I did it, but bags of clothes went to the salvation army, trucks full of junk went to the dump, and trucks full of scrap went into the scrap yard. Now all I had left was the things that I wanted to take with me. The problem now was how was I going to get it all from the house to the apartment.
About four years earlier, an uncle of ours had passed away and unknown to us, had some money saved up. This was divided between the family so I did have a bit in savings. So while in our favorite restaraunt one morning having coffee, we were talking about my move. Someone said, well what do you have that really means something to you? Being that most of our furniture was second hand there really wasn't much. Then it was said that a furniture store was having a sale, why didn't I take some of the money that I had and go and buy new and have it delivered to the apartment? What a great idea. New start in life with new furniture. So of course my sister and I went on a shopping spree. I think it was just the thing that I needed. To go out and enjoy myself looking at all the new furniture, trying to decide what I wanted, and then buying it. I felt such a load being lifted off of my shoulders. I can say that for that day, I was laughing and enjoying myself. But that was short lived. I still had to pack up what I needed to take, get it all moved, and then say goodbye to the wonderful memories of living in the country with Phil. That was hard, leaving the area where we were the happiest together. Phil loved the country living, the wide open spaces, the animals that were around. He loved to sit out at night and just watch the stars, and talk. I miss that so much.
Next the big move...........
The Next Week
I really can't say much of what really went on within the next few weeks, it is all such a blur, even today. The only reason that I can believe that I managed to keep it all together was through the love of God, and precious friends. God was holding me up and keeping my thoughts going in the right direction. Without Him leading me, showing me, carrying me when I couldn't walk by myself, I really don't think I would be even trying to write this. Even now it is only through His love and guidence that I am begining to write about this past year in my life. There is one other dear dear friend that I must mention here as well. It all started out as an invitation to a web site by a dear online friend. It was there, in Women of PASSIONS that I met Jan. We had talked online for about a year, when Phil went to be with the Lord. We hadn't talked on the phone or met as of yet. Since I didn't want to let her know what was going on by email, I called her, first time talking to her. She sounded wonderful, so sympathetic and understanding, which I had already thought of her as just from the web site. When I told her when the memorial service was to take place, without even a moments hesitation, she said she would be there. Now she lived in the States and I am in Canada, how was she going to make that trip? I tried the best that I could to make my home inviting to her, wondering if she did show up, I still had my doubts, where would she sleep? Surely one couldn't come all that way and then just head back the same day. But sure enough she said she would be arriving at my place at a certain time, I forget what time it was, and there she was, pulling into my driveway. Wow I felt so honored and loved at that moment. To think that someone would actually drop everything, and come to me. What a lady. I knew from the web site that Jan was a busy lady, but, true to her word, here she was sitting in my living room. Coming all that way just to be beside me and comfort me, now that is surely a true friend and is still to this day, a very dear friend. I have no words to say that would express my appreciation. Jan I really don't know if I ever did say thank you, but I am sure that you will be reading this sometime so THANKYOU. THANKYOU THANKYOU.
The memorial service was lovely. Phil wasn't one for formality, or for going to anyone elses home for visits, so I figured that there would only be a few people there. A friend of ours had just said goodbye to their mother a week before hand, and her son was a Pastor as well. He came and asked if he could sing a song for Phil. He has a beautiful singing voice so of course I said sure. He sang In The Garden and it was lovely, I just sat there in tears. Phil had a lovely memorial service with at least six Pastor's showing up. lol. I was in awe of all the people that were walking in. The Pastor was surprised as well. They just kept on coming and coming. Finally there was standing room only. Afterwards I found out that they were even outside, cuz there was no room inside. Even as I write this, the tears are flowing. I never thought that this many people would want to say goodbye to Phil, or show me that they cared. Like I said, neither of us were outgoing, we just prefered to stay by ourselves, do our job and leave it at that. The restaurant next door to the church was what Phil used to call his office. If anyone was looking for either of us, they knew that they could find us there, or leave a message there and we would get it. Well they took up a collection for me and handed over a nice thick envelope. For the next week or so, I couldn't pay for anything that I had to eat or drink. Even today, when I go there, I always get free coffee, if not a complete meal. Peter is another great friend who helped feed me, and comfort me along with all the staff at the Pancake House in Smithville.
The next few days are a blur, not sure what went on. I remember wandering what was I going to do now? How was I going to live? Where was I going to live? I only knew that I couldn't stay where I was. How was I going to get everything cleaned up, remember we had a scrap yard. There were cars, peices of cars, and scrap everywhere. What was I going to do now? It seemed like it would never get done. I just couldn't do it, I couldn't walk into the barn, where Phil's tools, work, and memories were. I kept asking Why Why Why? Phil wasn't suppose to leave me, we were both happy for the fist time in our lives. We were suppose to grow old together, sit on the rocking chairs and sip coffee together. We were suppose to live forever together. He was my all. What was I going to do now? I had to stay strong, no one was going to do it for me. Yes my sister was beside me all through but she leans on me for support, not the other way around. I had to stay strong for her. I couldn't break down, not now.
Another great friend, Gail, was beside me through it all as well. Her son and a couple of his friends, were just starting to learn to restore cars, and Phil was trying to show them and help them out as much as he could. Well Brian and all his friends, just jumped right in. They came in and cleaned up the barn, sorted out good junk from bad junk, cleaned up the area perfectly. I don't know what I would of done without them. The scrap yard that we dealt with, just took in all the scrap, without it being sorted and gave me top dollars for it. They didn't have to they just did. A friend who owns a tow truck, came and took the cars into the scrap yard, and didn't charge me anything. Where did these people come from? Only God, He knew that I needed help and He made sure that I got it. Within one week, 10 years of scrap and junk were cleaned out and I now had a bit of money to go on with. A big thank you to all who came to help, I don't have to mention their names, if they ever read this, they will know who they are.
Time to stop again for another little while, will try to do more later.
The memorial service was lovely. Phil wasn't one for formality, or for going to anyone elses home for visits, so I figured that there would only be a few people there. A friend of ours had just said goodbye to their mother a week before hand, and her son was a Pastor as well. He came and asked if he could sing a song for Phil. He has a beautiful singing voice so of course I said sure. He sang In The Garden and it was lovely, I just sat there in tears. Phil had a lovely memorial service with at least six Pastor's showing up. lol. I was in awe of all the people that were walking in. The Pastor was surprised as well. They just kept on coming and coming. Finally there was standing room only. Afterwards I found out that they were even outside, cuz there was no room inside. Even as I write this, the tears are flowing. I never thought that this many people would want to say goodbye to Phil, or show me that they cared. Like I said, neither of us were outgoing, we just prefered to stay by ourselves, do our job and leave it at that. The restaurant next door to the church was what Phil used to call his office. If anyone was looking for either of us, they knew that they could find us there, or leave a message there and we would get it. Well they took up a collection for me and handed over a nice thick envelope. For the next week or so, I couldn't pay for anything that I had to eat or drink. Even today, when I go there, I always get free coffee, if not a complete meal. Peter is another great friend who helped feed me, and comfort me along with all the staff at the Pancake House in Smithville.
The next few days are a blur, not sure what went on. I remember wandering what was I going to do now? How was I going to live? Where was I going to live? I only knew that I couldn't stay where I was. How was I going to get everything cleaned up, remember we had a scrap yard. There were cars, peices of cars, and scrap everywhere. What was I going to do now? It seemed like it would never get done. I just couldn't do it, I couldn't walk into the barn, where Phil's tools, work, and memories were. I kept asking Why Why Why? Phil wasn't suppose to leave me, we were both happy for the fist time in our lives. We were suppose to grow old together, sit on the rocking chairs and sip coffee together. We were suppose to live forever together. He was my all. What was I going to do now? I had to stay strong, no one was going to do it for me. Yes my sister was beside me all through but she leans on me for support, not the other way around. I had to stay strong for her. I couldn't break down, not now.
Another great friend, Gail, was beside me through it all as well. Her son and a couple of his friends, were just starting to learn to restore cars, and Phil was trying to show them and help them out as much as he could. Well Brian and all his friends, just jumped right in. They came in and cleaned up the barn, sorted out good junk from bad junk, cleaned up the area perfectly. I don't know what I would of done without them. The scrap yard that we dealt with, just took in all the scrap, without it being sorted and gave me top dollars for it. They didn't have to they just did. A friend who owns a tow truck, came and took the cars into the scrap yard, and didn't charge me anything. Where did these people come from? Only God, He knew that I needed help and He made sure that I got it. Within one week, 10 years of scrap and junk were cleaned out and I now had a bit of money to go on with. A big thank you to all who came to help, I don't have to mention their names, if they ever read this, they will know who they are.
Time to stop again for another little while, will try to do more later.
Why I say August instead of September
Before Phil and I met each other again in Tim Hortens in 1994, I had been through some rough relationships consisting of all kinds of abuse, not going to talk about them here. Phil and I had grown up together since we were 12 yrs old. As we got older we went our separate ways and both had been married and divorced. When we ran into each other again that special day, it was as if the clock had been turned back. I had just got out of an abusive situation and was nervous about even talking to a man, let alone a long lost friend. But God had other plans. We sat and had coffee and talked for quite awhile about what we had been through since we lost touch with each other. Although I didn't tell him the details I did tell him that I was just getting over an abusive relationship. Phil just said that he understood and that if I ever wanted to talk just to call him anytime. Well he called me the next day and asked if we could meet again, of course I said yes. lol. At this time I hadn't let him know where I lived, but when we met he asked, and I just said in a house. He didn't push for the address, but just carried on with general chit chat. I was becoming more and more relaxed around him. After a few more meetings in Hortens I figured that it was safe enough to give him my address. To my surprise, the very next day he was knocking on my door. Without going into details, I will just say that after a very short time we decided to move in together. Since Phil owned a scrap business and was working from his house mainly, it was decided that I would move in with him. Soon afterwards we decided to move out of the city and into the country where there would be more opportunity for Phil to do him work. We moved into a small house in the country and was then approached by a neighbour to attend church. Well neither of us had any good memories about church so we tried to make excuse after axcuse, but none of the worked. After we attended for about six months the Pastor asked us if we had ever given our lives to God, and been baptized. Now we were in a perdictament. Although we knew about what was being asked, we were not married, and we both knew that you had to be married, not living commonlaw. lol. So we just said that we couldn't do it cuz we were not married. That wasn't going to stop him though. He said then we will marry you and baptize you after. lol. So on September 1, 1996 we went to the church for a small service to get married. Although we were never what you would call "rich" we had a good life together. Yes there were problems, that I am not going to go into here, with my daughter, but we were happy together. Never in my imagination did I even think that my life would end on the same day it began. When we went to bed on August 31, 2007, Phil wasn't breathing. By the time the ambulance arrived and we got to the hospital for the official death notice, it was after midnight. Therefore on my loves death certificate it says the date of death is September 1, 2007, our 11 anniversary. What a day, one to remember of joy and of sorrow. So if anyone asks when Phil went to be with the Lord, I say on August 31, cuz I know in my heart that he had already made his journey before midnight.
Next I will try to write about life after cleaning up the business, moving, and just trying to get by day by day.
Next I will try to write about life after cleaning up the business, moving, and just trying to get by day by day.
First Time
Being recently widowed, I have been told to start writing about my feelings. I have never done this before, so really don't know how this is going to turn out.
My life has been full of ups and downs, but I will only start from the day that my life was turned completely upside down, one year ago on August 31 2007. My best friend, my soul mate, my one and only went to be with our Lord. The day started out as any other day. Phil wasn't feeling well, so we didn't do much. He was a stubborn soul, and wouldn't go to see a doctor. At about 11pm I told him to come to bed and relax, and that if he wasn't any better in the morning, then I didn't care if I had to get everyone we knew, he was going to drs. Well I helped him into bed, he then said that he had to go and get his cigarettes and pop. I said no you stay here, I will get them. I walked into the living room and then back into the bedroom, about two minutes time. and he was gone. My poor Phil, I think I beat him up just then. I was yelling and screaming at him and hitting him. The tears were flowing as I called 911, the emergency number here. What seemed liked hours, but was only minutes, i gave Phil CPR. When the ambulance got there they had to pull me off of him, I didn't want to leave. The whole house was full of people, police, fire, ambulance, all doing their duty. Someone was trying to ask me some questions, but all I could say is he isn't gone, he is asleep, wake him up. My sister was staying with us for the weekend and she tried her best to answer the questions. Soon we were told to wait outside in the police car. The officer put us in the back of the car and then I had a panic attack. I couldn't breathe. I had never been in the back of a police car, there wasn't any way of getting out, no window to be opened. Both my sister and I started banging on the window to get someones attention. Finally someone saw us, I don't know who, and opened the door. I got out but was told that I couldn't leave the side of the car. I wanted to go to Phil, but they wouldn't let me. Finally the ambulance left and the police took us to the hospital. Since it was now after midnight, the date on Phil's death certificate reads that he passed away on September 1. I don't say that. I have to take a break now, can't see through the tears, but will try to post again later and say why I say August 31 and not September 1.
My life has been full of ups and downs, but I will only start from the day that my life was turned completely upside down, one year ago on August 31 2007. My best friend, my soul mate, my one and only went to be with our Lord. The day started out as any other day. Phil wasn't feeling well, so we didn't do much. He was a stubborn soul, and wouldn't go to see a doctor. At about 11pm I told him to come to bed and relax, and that if he wasn't any better in the morning, then I didn't care if I had to get everyone we knew, he was going to drs. Well I helped him into bed, he then said that he had to go and get his cigarettes and pop. I said no you stay here, I will get them. I walked into the living room and then back into the bedroom, about two minutes time. and he was gone. My poor Phil, I think I beat him up just then. I was yelling and screaming at him and hitting him. The tears were flowing as I called 911, the emergency number here. What seemed liked hours, but was only minutes, i gave Phil CPR. When the ambulance got there they had to pull me off of him, I didn't want to leave. The whole house was full of people, police, fire, ambulance, all doing their duty. Someone was trying to ask me some questions, but all I could say is he isn't gone, he is asleep, wake him up. My sister was staying with us for the weekend and she tried her best to answer the questions. Soon we were told to wait outside in the police car. The officer put us in the back of the car and then I had a panic attack. I couldn't breathe. I had never been in the back of a police car, there wasn't any way of getting out, no window to be opened. Both my sister and I started banging on the window to get someones attention. Finally someone saw us, I don't know who, and opened the door. I got out but was told that I couldn't leave the side of the car. I wanted to go to Phil, but they wouldn't let me. Finally the ambulance left and the police took us to the hospital. Since it was now after midnight, the date on Phil's death certificate reads that he passed away on September 1. I don't say that. I have to take a break now, can't see through the tears, but will try to post again later and say why I say August 31 and not September 1.
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