First Time

Being recently widowed, I have been told to start writing about my feelings. I have never done this before, so really don't know how this is going to turn out.

My life has been full of ups and downs, but I will only start from the day that my life was turned completely upside down, one year ago on August 31 2007. My best friend, my soul mate, my one and only went to be with our Lord. The day started out as any other day. Phil wasn't feeling well, so we didn't do much. He was a stubborn soul, and wouldn't go to see a doctor. At about 11pm I told him to come to bed and relax, and that if he wasn't any better in the morning, then I didn't care if I had to get everyone we knew, he was going to drs. Well I helped him into bed, he then said that he had to go and get his cigarettes and pop. I said no you stay here, I will get them. I walked into the living room and then back into the bedroom, about two minutes time. and he was gone. My poor Phil, I think I beat him up just then. I was yelling and screaming at him and hitting him. The tears were flowing as I called 911, the emergency number here. What seemed liked hours, but was only minutes, i gave Phil CPR. When the ambulance got there they had to pull me off of him, I didn't want to leave. The whole house was full of people, police, fire, ambulance, all doing their duty. Someone was trying to ask me some questions, but all I could say is he isn't gone, he is asleep, wake him up. My sister was staying with us for the weekend and she tried her best to answer the questions. Soon we were told to wait outside in the police car. The officer put us in the back of the car and then I had a panic attack. I couldn't breathe. I had never been in the back of a police car, there wasn't any way of getting out, no window to be opened. Both my sister and I started banging on the window to get someones attention. Finally someone saw us, I don't know who, and opened the door. I got out but was told that I couldn't leave the side of the car. I wanted to go to Phil, but they wouldn't let me. Finally the ambulance left and the police took us to the hospital. Since it was now after midnight, the date on Phil's death certificate reads that he passed away on September 1. I don't say that. I have to take a break now, can't see through the tears, but will try to post again later and say why I say August 31 and not September 1.