Well the day had finally arrived. I was saying goodbye to the last bit of my life with Phil. I was happy and sad all at the same time. I knew that I couldn't stay where I was, but this was my life with the one that I loved and will always love. All the memories, both good and bad were right here. In the house, in the barn, around the yard. We had spent the last twelve years here. The place looked so empty now though. No more scrap lying around, no more cars in various stages of repair or dismantle lying around. It was so empty, just like my heart. How I was going to live in an apartment now was beyond my imagination. With teary eyes and a big sigh, I loaded up the last bit of memories into the car and drove off. I just had to stop at the restaurant to say goodbye. The tears were right there, but I just couldn't let them come yet. I had to be strong. I couldn't let anyone see how broken I was. God knew, but I wish that He didn't. How could I be one of His children when I was in so much pain. Weren't we suppose to happy if we were His? I wanted so much to grow in Him, but the thoughts of why why why kept running through my mind. I had myself convinced that God had taken my Phil away because I wasn't suppose to be happy. Since I had messed up so much with my own children and had put them through hell, now He was putting me through it as well. This was my punishment for not being strong enough to protect those under my authority. I kept telling myself that God took Phil to punish me, to show me that I wasn't suppose to be happy. I finally just said ok, I won't be happy, I will just make this move, stay by myself and keep praying for Him to take me away from this life.
I finally made it into the apartment arranged all the furniture and unpacked all of my stuff. I kept myself busy trying to keep everything spick and span. If I just did enough to make God forgive me a little bit, then maybe, just maybe, He would let me be with my Phil. The last year here in this apartment has been a daily struggle. One day I would be doing ok, then pow, feelings of lonliness would creep in again. Those old feelings of worthlessness, of being punished again. Every day is a fight, every day I sit and fight with my emotions. The questions of why did this all happen, when will it all end, when will I really feel that peace and love that everyone talks about from God? Everyone keeps saying, He is here, I feel Him, I see Him, so why can't I? Is he really punishing me for my past? I s that why I am struggling every day just to hold onto the hem of His Garment? I want to know Him and have the relationship that everyone else talks about. I know that He is here with me, even if I don't really feel Him. He has to be, or I just wouldn't of been able to live through this last year. It has only been through Him that I have felt some joy, some freedom. I know that, so why do I keep questioning, why do I keep struggling. I won't give up, even though I feel like it most of the time, I won't. Everyon used to say that I was stubborn, that when I really wanted something I would work until I got it, so this is no different. I want the close relationship with God, even if He doesn't so I won't give in.
Revelation 21:4
He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."
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