Trusting Jesus, that is all.

As I woke up this morning a feeling of emptiness flooded me. I slowly came out of my drowsiness and wiping the sleep from my eyes I asked God why He had woke me up again. I didn’t want to wake up alone any more. I lied there and thought that if I just didn’t get up the day would go away, but I couldn’t. Something, someone just kept telling me get out of bed. With no peace in sight I rose from the bed, took my shower, and got dressed. Ok now I was up, maybe that is all there is to do today. Nope, today is Sunday August 31, 2008, Church day. I kept telling myself no don’t go; there is nothing there for you. Stay home, have your own pity party, you don’t need anyone else around. Then the all too familiar knock on the door. Yes my sister was here ready for church. Didn’t she know what day it was? Didn’t she know that I wanted to be alone today of all days? I couldn’t tell her that, had to be strong in front of her, she wouldn’t understand. No one could understand the pain and hurt that I was feeling. Oh well guess I will just go to church and get it done with. I was doing great, no tears yet. Then one lady came up to me and asked how I was doing. Although I said ok, she saw right through me. Lol The tears started and I thought that they wouldn’t stop. She prayed for me, and by this time the pastor was there, not knowing what was going on. I could only say that I was sorry and that I would be ok. After hearing what day it was, he just sat down and held my hand while I cried. Then another friend came in, he looks so much like Phil, they could have been brothers. He came over, found out what was wrong asked it he could give me a hug. I said ok and just clung to him, don’t know why, I couldn’t let go. Lol. His wife came over and joined in the hugging. I managed to pull myself together, sat through the service and left. I dropped Pat off at home, I just needed some alone time for sure now. I did what God wanted me too, made a fool of myself in church, and now it is my time. I wanted to be alone with Phil. I drove to our favorite spot, buying coffees on the way. I bought one for him and one for me. As I took a drink, I poured some of Phil’s on the ground until we had both finished. Then I sat there and talked to Phil and to God. The same old questions kept coming up. Why Why Why.

As I sat there and listened to the radio a lady came on with a testimony about how she had lost her husband. Without warning she was a young lady with two young children alone, but still holding on to God’s promise.

Psalm 139:15-16
15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, 16 your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

Phil going to heaven was God’s plan; it was already planned long before I was even in the picture. Holding on to this truth the questions of how why and where were running through my head. Although it has been a year, and it seems like it was only yesterday, that I was suddenly left alone, the lady on the radio sounded so much like me. What she was talking about was exactly how I was feeling. All the questions that she asked I had asked time and time again. Then it hit me, this was God telling me to let go, and let Him take care of me. Phil was there with me, and all of a sudden I got such a strong feeling of peace. To tell the truth it scared me. How could I feel such peace, such calm, such soothing relief? Only through the grace of our Lord, only through His love could this be happening. I sat there for what seemed like forever, just relaxing, thanking God, talking to Phil, and feeling so blessed for the first time in a year. I am not sure if it was God or Phil who gave me the next Bible passage.

Proverbs 3:5-6

5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 6 in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

That is what I had to do. I had to give it all to God. I had to let him show me the way, teach me, mold me, and transform me into His child. I may not ever understand why God decided to take Phil home so early, but He had his reasons and it is not up to me to question them. Yes I miss him dearly, I still wish that he was here with me. I know that I am still going to have my ups and downs and that I will always miss Phil and will always want him by my side. I am more at peace now, more relaxed and realize that Phil is here with me, he is right here, he is just around the corner so I don't see him, but he is here. All I have to do is to keep travelling along this road and one day I will turn the corner as well and be right beside him again.

Thank you Jesus for not giving up on me, for not closing the doors to Your word, even though I didn't want to listen to anyone. Thank you Lord for giving me such a precious time with You and Phil today as we sat beside the river and talked. Help to continue to see the road that is to be travelled and to find my way around the corner to You and Phil. Amen and Amen



As I was getting ready to leave, the station just confirmed the message that I had already received and played this song.

TRUSTING JESUS
Edgar Page Stites
1836-1921

Simply trusting every day,
Trusting through a stormy way;
Even when my faith is small,
Trusting Jesus, that is all.

Trusting as the moments fly,
Trusting as the days go by;
Trusting Him whate’er befall,
Trusting Jesus, that is all.

Brightly does His Spirit shine
Into this poor heart of mine;
While He leads I cannot fall;
Trusting Jesus, that is all.

Trusting as the moments fly,
Trusting as the days go by;
Trusting Him whate’er befall,
Trusting Jesus, that is all.

Singing if my way is clear,
Praying if the path be drear;
If in danger for Him call;
Trusting Jesus, that is all.

Trusting as the moments fly,
Trusting as the days go by;
Trusting Him whate’er befall,
Trusting Jesus, that is all.

Trusting Him while life shall last,
Trusting Him till earth be past;
Till within the jasper wall,
Trusting Jesus, that is all.

Trusting as the moments fly,
Trusting as the days go by;
Trusting Him whate’er befall,
Trusting Jesus, that is all.

The lyrics first appeared as a poem in a newspaper. They were given to Ira Sankey’s partner Dwight Moody, who asked Sankey to write music for them.