Rollercoaster Ride I am on

The last few days have been an up and down roller coaster ride. I really cannot understand all the emotions that I am having. I get up in the morning and it hits me. All day long it is a constant battle going on in my mind. One part is saying that it is a terrible day while the other side is saying rejoice be glad, for this is the day that the Lord has made. Although I want so much for the rejoicing side to win out, it seems that it is the weaker side. I find myself sitting with tears flowing too many times throughout the day. Why? I don’t know. Yes I miss my hubby, but as of my last blog, I thought that I could handle him not being with me any longer. I sit and talk to him and feel good, then the tears start again. I sit and read the Bible, the tears start again. I sit and watch TV, the tears start again. I am tired of the tears. Somewhere in the Bible it says that God collects all of our tears in a bottle, well if I keep this up He is going to need a lot of bottles. Even sitting here typing this out, the tears are trying to pour out again. I just don’t understand this. Why can’t I be happy, why can’t I just go on in peace. Everyone says, give it to the Lord, listen to what He is saying. I try, I really try, but I just don’t hear anything like some others do. Maybe I am just suppose to be miserable, I don’t know. My past is one that I would rather forget, but one that I have dealt with and worked through with God and others. As far as I am concerned now it is just that, the past, although there are times when the devil wants to push it up again, I am not allowing it. Every time that I start to feel “good” about something, it goes wrong, or something else comes up to steal away the “good” feelings. I know that I have prayed for the Lord to take me to be with Phil, I have prayed for Him to help me to hear Him. I have begged, but still everyday I don’t feel any different. Yes I am excellent at cover-ups. To anyone who sees me, knows me, I am all together, I am strong, I am happy, but that is all a mask that I have become accustomed to wearing. It is like the song that I used to listen to, The Tears of A Clown. The outside is all smiles and laughter, but the inside is fighting a constant battle. One that I just don’t know how to win. How am I suppose to go out and spread the Good News to others when I am torn apart inside? How can I say that God is there for everyone, when I don’t really know why I am falling apart. I know that God is with me, and that He will see me through what ever this time in my life is for, but how am I suppose to be strong for others when I can barely hold on myself? I get so scared at times, not knowing what to do or say to anyone. I just stay be myself most of the time, that way I won’t say or do anything wrong. If I hurt myself then it is only me that is hurt, no one else. I want so much to help others when they are hurting, but when my emotions are on a roller coaster how can I?



I don’t want this to become a feel sorry for me blog, that is why I haven’t wrote for awhile. I just don’t want to be a bother to anyone. I don’t know if I will continue with this or not. It just isn’t in me to continually write about myself. I am here to try to help others, not to complain and whine about me. I just don’t think that writing my thoughts and feelings out is helping anyone. If anything it is probably just making who ever reads this worse. This is something that I am going to have to work on and really give some thought to.Anyhow thanks for reading my soap opera and for the support that you have given.