The Next Week

I really can't say much of what really went on within the next few weeks, it is all such a blur, even today. The only reason that I can believe that I managed to keep it all together was through the love of God, and precious friends. God was holding me up and keeping my thoughts going in the right direction. Without Him leading me, showing me, carrying me when I couldn't walk by myself, I really don't think I would be even trying to write this. Even now it is only through His love and guidence that I am begining to write about this past year in my life. There is one other dear dear friend that I must mention here as well. It all started out as an invitation to a web site by a dear online friend. It was there, in Women of PASSIONS that I met Jan. We had talked online for about a year, when Phil went to be with the Lord. We hadn't talked on the phone or met as of yet. Since I didn't want to let her know what was going on by email, I called her, first time talking to her. She sounded wonderful, so sympathetic and understanding, which I had already thought of her as just from the web site. When I told her when the memorial service was to take place, without even a moments hesitation, she said she would be there. Now she lived in the States and I am in Canada, how was she going to make that trip? I tried the best that I could to make my home inviting to her, wondering if she did show up, I still had my doubts, where would she sleep? Surely one couldn't come all that way and then just head back the same day. But sure enough she said she would be arriving at my place at a certain time, I forget what time it was, and there she was, pulling into my driveway. Wow I felt so honored and loved at that moment. To think that someone would actually drop everything, and come to me. What a lady. I knew from the web site that Jan was a busy lady, but, true to her word, here she was sitting in my living room. Coming all that way just to be beside me and comfort me, now that is surely a true friend and is still to this day, a very dear friend. I have no words to say that would express my appreciation. Jan I really don't know if I ever did say thank you, but I am sure that you will be reading this sometime so THANKYOU. THANKYOU THANKYOU.

The memorial service was lovely. Phil wasn't one for formality, or for going to anyone elses home for visits, so I figured that there would only be a few people there. A friend of ours had just said goodbye to their mother a week before hand, and her son was a Pastor as well. He came and asked if he could sing a song for Phil. He has a beautiful singing voice so of course I said sure. He sang In The Garden and it was lovely, I just sat there in tears. Phil had a lovely memorial service with at least six Pastor's showing up. lol. I was in awe of all the people that were walking in. The Pastor was surprised as well. They just kept on coming and coming. Finally there was standing room only. Afterwards I found out that they were even outside, cuz there was no room inside. Even as I write this, the tears are flowing. I never thought that this many people would want to say goodbye to Phil, or show me that they cared. Like I said, neither of us were outgoing, we just prefered to stay by ourselves, do our job and leave it at that. The restaurant next door to the church was what Phil used to call his office. If anyone was looking for either of us, they knew that they could find us there, or leave a message there and we would get it. Well they took up a collection for me and handed over a nice thick envelope. For the next week or so, I couldn't pay for anything that I had to eat or drink. Even today, when I go there, I always get free coffee, if not a complete meal. Peter is another great friend who helped feed me, and comfort me along with all the staff at the Pancake House in Smithville.

The next few days are a blur, not sure what went on. I remember wandering what was I going to do now? How was I going to live? Where was I going to live? I only knew that I couldn't stay where I was. How was I going to get everything cleaned up, remember we had a scrap yard. There were cars, peices of cars, and scrap everywhere. What was I going to do now? It seemed like it would never get done. I just couldn't do it, I couldn't walk into the barn, where Phil's tools, work, and memories were. I kept asking Why Why Why? Phil wasn't suppose to leave me, we were both happy for the fist time in our lives. We were suppose to grow old together, sit on the rocking chairs and sip coffee together. We were suppose to live forever together. He was my all. What was I going to do now? I had to stay strong, no one was going to do it for me. Yes my sister was beside me all through but she leans on me for support, not the other way around. I had to stay strong for her. I couldn't break down, not now.

Another great friend, Gail, was beside me through it all as well. Her son and a couple of his friends, were just starting to learn to restore cars, and Phil was trying to show them and help them out as much as he could. Well Brian and all his friends, just jumped right in. They came in and cleaned up the barn, sorted out good junk from bad junk, cleaned up the area perfectly. I don't know what I would of done without them. The scrap yard that we dealt with, just took in all the scrap, without it being sorted and gave me top dollars for it. They didn't have to they just did. A friend who owns a tow truck, came and took the cars into the scrap yard, and didn't charge me anything. Where did these people come from? Only God, He knew that I needed help and He made sure that I got it. Within one week, 10 years of scrap and junk were cleaned out and I now had a bit of money to go on with. A big thank you to all who came to help, I don't have to mention their names, if they ever read this, they will know who they are.

Time to stop again for another little while, will try to do more later.

Why I say August instead of September

Before Phil and I met each other again in Tim Hortens in 1994, I had been through some rough relationships consisting of all kinds of abuse, not going to talk about them here. Phil and I had grown up together since we were 12 yrs old. As we got older we went our separate ways and both had been married and divorced. When we ran into each other again that special day, it was as if the clock had been turned back. I had just got out of an abusive situation and was nervous about even talking to a man, let alone a long lost friend. But God had other plans. We sat and had coffee and talked for quite awhile about what we had been through since we lost touch with each other. Although I didn't tell him the details I did tell him that I was just getting over an abusive relationship. Phil just said that he understood and that if I ever wanted to talk just to call him anytime. Well he called me the next day and asked if we could meet again, of course I said yes. lol. At this time I hadn't let him know where I lived, but when we met he asked, and I just said in a house. He didn't push for the address, but just carried on with general chit chat. I was becoming more and more relaxed around him. After a few more meetings in Hortens I figured that it was safe enough to give him my address. To my surprise, the very next day he was knocking on my door. Without going into details, I will just say that after a very short time we decided to move in together. Since Phil owned a scrap business and was working from his house mainly, it was decided that I would move in with him. Soon afterwards we decided to move out of the city and into the country where there would be more opportunity for Phil to do him work. We moved into a small house in the country and was then approached by a neighbour to attend church. Well neither of us had any good memories about church so we tried to make excuse after axcuse, but none of the worked. After we attended for about six months the Pastor asked us if we had ever given our lives to God, and been baptized. Now we were in a perdictament. Although we knew about what was being asked, we were not married, and we both knew that you had to be married, not living commonlaw. lol. So we just said that we couldn't do it cuz we were not married. That wasn't going to stop him though. He said then we will marry you and baptize you after. lol. So on September 1, 1996 we went to the church for a small service to get married. Although we were never what you would call "rich" we had a good life together. Yes there were problems, that I am not going to go into here, with my daughter, but we were happy together. Never in my imagination did I even think that my life would end on the same day it began. When we went to bed on August 31, 2007, Phil wasn't breathing. By the time the ambulance arrived and we got to the hospital for the official death notice, it was after midnight. Therefore on my loves death certificate it says the date of death is September 1, 2007, our 11 anniversary. What a day, one to remember of joy and of sorrow. So if anyone asks when Phil went to be with the Lord, I say on August 31, cuz I know in my heart that he had already made his journey before midnight.

Next I will try to write about life after cleaning up the business, moving, and just trying to get by day by day.

First Time

Being recently widowed, I have been told to start writing about my feelings. I have never done this before, so really don't know how this is going to turn out.

My life has been full of ups and downs, but I will only start from the day that my life was turned completely upside down, one year ago on August 31 2007. My best friend, my soul mate, my one and only went to be with our Lord. The day started out as any other day. Phil wasn't feeling well, so we didn't do much. He was a stubborn soul, and wouldn't go to see a doctor. At about 11pm I told him to come to bed and relax, and that if he wasn't any better in the morning, then I didn't care if I had to get everyone we knew, he was going to drs. Well I helped him into bed, he then said that he had to go and get his cigarettes and pop. I said no you stay here, I will get them. I walked into the living room and then back into the bedroom, about two minutes time. and he was gone. My poor Phil, I think I beat him up just then. I was yelling and screaming at him and hitting him. The tears were flowing as I called 911, the emergency number here. What seemed liked hours, but was only minutes, i gave Phil CPR. When the ambulance got there they had to pull me off of him, I didn't want to leave. The whole house was full of people, police, fire, ambulance, all doing their duty. Someone was trying to ask me some questions, but all I could say is he isn't gone, he is asleep, wake him up. My sister was staying with us for the weekend and she tried her best to answer the questions. Soon we were told to wait outside in the police car. The officer put us in the back of the car and then I had a panic attack. I couldn't breathe. I had never been in the back of a police car, there wasn't any way of getting out, no window to be opened. Both my sister and I started banging on the window to get someones attention. Finally someone saw us, I don't know who, and opened the door. I got out but was told that I couldn't leave the side of the car. I wanted to go to Phil, but they wouldn't let me. Finally the ambulance left and the police took us to the hospital. Since it was now after midnight, the date on Phil's death certificate reads that he passed away on September 1. I don't say that. I have to take a break now, can't see through the tears, but will try to post again later and say why I say August 31 and not September 1.